“The next two hours are going to be disturbing, chilling, and terrifying. They are going to be a Technicolor-vivid documentation of total psychological disintegration, and resultant wild demented slashing. Yes, I am watching The Shining again. HERE’S STARCY!” I’m feeling a lot better now Paul Griffin. Time for me to find the coffee in a foreign kitchen, while England stiffen their sinews over lunch. Back shortly.

Australia lost 6 for 38 this morning. One might almost say it was careless, if their lead wasn’t already 434.

Still, we can dream, can’t we Gervase Greene?

“Just as all your flint-hearted colleagues are whooping it up at the Graun’s Xmas drinks after-party, smirking at ‘poor old Aldred suffering on the couch as Australia grind out a 600-run lead…’
Turns out you’ve got a potential cliff-hanger on your hands, with the mother of all Baz-chases set to transform this series. That’ll learn ‘em!”

The highest fourth innings run-chase in Test history will be a piquant final chapter to the Bazball story. Though I am beginning to regret that last Baileys for the road. Anyway, the players are already out and Starc has the ball.

83rd over: Australia 344-7 (Cummins 6, Starc 3) Archer giving nothing.

Dear Tanya,
You “still think England can pull it off” (your reply to Andrew Benton, earlier)
What on earth have you seen to support such optimism ?
it seems clear that the Aussies are better in every way.”

Hope, Colum Farrelly, that Bazball will throw us a crumb, just once this series.

78th over: Australia 332-6 (Inglis 8, Cummins 2) Stokes’s 50th Ashes wicket was a snorter, the ball right into Carey’s rib, fended away in mid-air to the waiting Brook. The lead is 417.

“I’m an American from America. New to cricket. Has England been playing cricket for very long, or are they kind of new to this? They don’t seem very good, tbh.” David Slider, i think you’re being mischievous.

76th over: Australia 320-5 (Carey 69, Inglis 2) Tongue is having a decent showing with the ball and has probably booked his ticket for Melbourne and Sydney. He’s big and tricksy and full of attack.

“Wolfish abandon. I quite like the sound of it,” writes Abhishek Chopra.

“England used to have Sibley who was all elephantish calm.”

Elephantine calm is exactly what England could have done with this series.

73rd over: Australia 309-4 (Head 165, Carey 61) Stokes is testing, varies his length, throws in a slower ball, but to no avail.

“What kind of total do you think Australia will be looking for to out them safe? 500 or more?” I think 500ish Charles Esche, especially with a bit of inclement weather possible tomorrow morning.

69th over: Australia 279-4 (Head 144, Carey 58) Another goodly over from the indefatigable Stokes.

The batter who has faced the most balls in this series is not Travis Head but Ben Stokes: 422 balls, 160 runs, 16 fours v Head: 411 balls, 353 runs, 36 fours and eight sixes. A whole different ball game, says Tim de Lisle, whose sofa I have borrowed for the night.

“Do you think that England just haven’t got what it takes,” asks Andrew Benton, “or is it that they haven’t got it together? Is there a brilliant, Aussie-whipping, team hiding in there somewhere? Hocus-pocus, batters and bowlers, please focus!”

I still think they could pull it off. But if they’re going to, today is the day. Some good news for England – there is some rain due tomorrow.

A post-mortem email. Too soon, Matthew Lawrenson, too soon.

“If England lose this series, as it looks as though they will, and badly (ditto) - what will happen afterwards? The usual routine is appointing a committee who recommends reorganising County Cricket to benefit the England team. As the current regime has pretty much ignored County Cricket, what do you think they would think of next?”

Surely they can’t reorganise county cricket again. They’ve only just found some kind of settlement after the Strauss report. But maybe they might start paying attention to Championship performances. Or stretch it over a full summer again.

Preamble

Hello – from a Christmassy London, fleet-footed from the sports desk Christmas drinks.

It’s important at this point to say that England still have a chance to win the Ashes. Important because it might be the last time anyone can say that for the rest of the series. And the next two years.

The current Australian lead is 356. But England’s highest successful run-chase is 378 – against India at Edgbaston in 2022 at the height of Bazball - and as recently as this summer they galloped to 373 against India at Headingley.

They know how to do it. The muscle memory is there.

But Starc.

But Cummins.

But Lyon.

Hope springs eternal.

Hello – from a Christmassy London, fleet-footed from the sports desk Christmas drinks,

It’s important at this point to say that England still have a chance to win the Ashes. Important because it might be the last time anyone can say that for the rest of the series. And the next two years.

The current Australian lead is 356. But England’s highest successful run-chase is 378 – against India at Edgbaston in 2022 at the height of Bazball- and as recently as this summer they galloped to 373 against India at Headingley.

They know how to do it. The muscle memory is there.

But Starc.

But Cummins.

But Lyon.

Hope springs eternal.